Beyond Rehab

As I approach the passing of yet another calendar year free of alcohol and all the pains that accompanied its consumption, I am beginning to explore—as only an alert, lucid, toxin free mind can do—the feelings of self-acceptance. Quite grand, I must say, because with the understanding of self-acceptance, there comes a feeling of great relief.

Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem or self-confidence. Self-acceptance means trusting in one’s ideas and impulses, in our true-self—that core sweetness of each of us that allowed for us as children to create freely, confidently, without fear.

So with that in mind, I have a few updates…. My book is still on the way. If I do not secure a proper agent*/publisher within my self-imposed deadline I will be self-publishing. The book is valuable and I sincerely wish it to be available for anyone it might help. So hang on for that, it’s around the corner sometime soon.

The next thing is that I am back in school and because I have been so heavily involved with that, I have not been posting here as frequently as in the past. But I’m still around and still receive emails from this blog if you would like to comment.

The last thing to note is that as I have been discovering the structural value of experiencing genuine self-acceptance, I have been noticing examples of self-acceptance appearing in ways that expand my understanding of it.  For example, the other night I was sitting with a singer who had been seriously struggling with his voice for years now. But suddenly, as he plugged in his guitar, switched on his amp, and launched into the most devoted love song, which just happened to be addressed to me, I was amazed to hear him give his best performance ever. How was it that in the blink of an eye he could improve so dramatically? I happen to know  in that moment he had settled into such a state of self-acceptance that he was able to express himself without fear of judgment.  He was comfortable trusting himself to express his love in song. In that moment he had attained self-acceptance—permission to trust the ideas and impulses of his true-self.

For any of you who still struggle with your addictions, continue, as always, to seek hope. But today I am adding something more to that. I am asking you to remember this: remember self-acceptance, remember your core sweetness, remember your true-self. Your true-self thrives on gentle care, love, and being heard—not drugs, alcohol, shame or fear. That you have awareness and feelings of love is what your true-self desires for you most.

*Update: I’ve acquired an agent,12/09 ~ publishing up next.

A while back I was asked to write about what finally convinced me I had to quit drinking. Immediately I remembered the horrible alcohol-induced hallucinations I experienced leading up to the morning I finally quit. But then I remembered—that is not what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for good. That horrifying experience is only what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for that day.

I had spent over 20 years abusing my body with substances, so of course I had hit drinking and drugging bottoms before that last one. The last one just took on a different form—albeit one of the most frightening. However, “hitting bottom” or the fear of hitting bottom was not enough to convince me to quit drinking forever—as it is not enough for many. It takes something more.

So what is that extra element that convinced me after that last episode of “hitting bottom” to do more than just heal-up for a few days and return to drinking as I had so often done in the past?

Two things—one was my willingness to finally have the courage to acknowledge that ”little” voice of good judgment I had been ignoring for so much of my life. And two was my willingness to act on that “little” voice’s wisdom.

The wisdom I ignored and eventually, finally, listened to and acted upon was this: My life is a creative one. It is not meant to be about avoiding drugs and alcohol. Life is about what I say yes to, not what I say no to. I am free to find my own way to live the life I dream of, the life I truly desire.

I do not share the opinions and beliefs of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have every right not to be limited by the beliefs of that program or those who support it. However—and this is a BIG however—I am responsible for discovering what I do believe. I am responsible for discovering and acting upon, to the best of my ability, ways to enhance my life and the lives of those I touch. Kindness, compassion and love—with a bit of fun added in as often as possible—is a mantra for all (that is, of course, if you choose to believe in it).

It was a toss-up—should I write about Lindsay Lohan or Kelly Osborne? They are both, along with talk of their substance abuse, in a recent issue of People magazine. Kelly won due to her quotable quotes.

But first let me say this: having fallen into similar habits and rehabs myself at her age and earlier (and later) I feel for her—and Lindsay. I really do feel bad for young people who are not only struggling with addiction but are also having to struggle with the insufficient and very often detrimental treatment they are so often administered. It’s very, very sad for me to see this. But it continues.

Kelly’s quote number one: “This is a disease. I was born with it. I’ll die with it.”

Again, Kelly is a lot like me. There was a time when I was still being coached by therapists, rehabs, and AA-goers who shared that belief—that alcohol dependency is a disease—and who pushed me to believe it as well. Obviously, if you follow my writing, you know I do not accept that alcoholism is a disease. Yes, a person’s body can become dependent, but that is not a disease. And thanks to my refusal to accept that I am diseased, I do not have to spend my life under a false veil, under constant watch and fear, under shame.

Kelly’s quote number two and the reason she is willing to believe alcoholism is a disease: “I just want to be happy. Anything is better than the way it was.”

Kelly is a lot like me. Kelly is a lot like all of us. Wanting to be happy is not a disease. How we attain happiness is a process. True, it is often a misguided process, but being misguided is NOT a disease.

I came across an article today, “How to Quit Drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous.” Now bless its little heart for offering us alternatives—keep ‘em coming—but I want to say something about the “booze brain” idea the article talks about.

The article suggests that we objectify our “booze brain.” “Think of it as something separate from yourself, and learn to hear it speaking to you. It will try anything to get you to drink, because it falsely believes that you need to drink to survive. If you are feeling bad, it will tell you to drink to feel better. If you are feeling good, it will tell you to drink to party or celebrate.”

The problem I have with that is—it freaks me out! I don’t want to think there is some alien being in my head who will, “try anything to get me to drink.” Scary….

But—if you think it would help you to objectify your feelings—I have another way of thinking about unhealthy impulses or “booze brain” or “stinkin’ thinkin’” as it’s often put in AA. What I would suggest is that you try thinking about your sudden extreme impulses as emotions. And then think about those emotions as your children rather than some frightening bad creature thing.

Say for example you have a sudden overwhelming desire to get drunk or binge on an entire batch of cookies. You can treat that overwhelming desire with the same kindness and attention you would give to your child if they were begging you to eat only cookies for dinner. You can laugh or smile and say to that overly strong child/emotion impulse, “No, we’re not going to drink a case of beer or eat all those cookies. Sorry.” You would not destroy, hate or fear the child if the child/emotion persists. You remind yourself that you are the adult and you are in control. Change the subject, ignore the nagging and eventually the overpowering feelings will cease pestering you—until the next time, where you will practice again the same technique until it becomes natural and easy not to give into desires you know are not good for you. It really does get easier and easier to be good to yourself.

One of the reasons it took me so long to quit drinking is because I believed life would be dismal, difficult and depressing without it. That had always been my experience in the past.

The most dismal expectation and belief I had was that I would be doomed to be labeled alcoholic for the rest of my life. That belief began when I was first introduced to A.A. at age 14. In fact, everyone in the recovery community told me that was true. They said I would be an alcoholic for the rest of my life even if I never took another drink.

Today I am convinced that limited belief I first heard at age 14 is part of the reason quitting was always so difficult for me from then on. Under that belief I could either continue on a path of slow suicide-by-alcohol, or I could quit drinking, with my reward being that my name for the rest of my life would be, “Amy—Alcoholic/Drug Addict.”  Ick.

For centuries people believed the earth was flat and for centuries people were afraid to meet the horizon because they believed they would fall of the edge of the earth! If they ever thought to travel, trade, or invite a distant relative over for supper, they had to think again! That false belief affected their entire lives. It limited their possibilities.

If you fear letting go of alcohol or drugs or cigarettes because you believe it will be terrible from beginning to perhaps forever, remember that is a fear based on your belief, not facts. A miserable result does not need to be your experience—unless you believe that is so.

When I decided to quit drinking, I found I needed to go against the beliefs of conventional “wisdom.” I was only able to quit by doing things my way—even though conventional wisdom says “doing things my way” is part of the problem, not the solution. That conventional wisdom turned out to be false (the Earth is not flat!).

Do not limit yourself to rumors and other people’s beliefs—including your own limiting beliefs—about what must be done to quit drinking.

When people feared the earth was flat they were limited. But once they found out that was a false belief, they could sail all around the world, free to explore for the rest of their lives. I can assure you when it comes to quitting alcohol and drugs there are many people who have done so using non-conventional methods. If all that you’ve heard about quitting drinking or drugs depresses you, do not let that be the end of all hope. That is only limited belief based on limited exposure. So much more is possible. You are not doomed to sit in meetings for the rest of your life—if you can believe otherwise.

*Christopher Columbus did not discover the world was round. The ancient Greeks knew the earth was round, though the knowledge was largely forgotten in the Middle Ages.

I have a fantasy of creating an affordable (even free), Shangri-La type place that includes everything I think would have helped me when I was at my worst—sick with alcoholic hallucinations, shakes and despair. That place may or may not manifest itself. So how would I help a person overcome their addictions if they were living with me now? (And what would go on at my Shangi-La fantasy location?).

My experience is that most seriously heavy drinkers recoil at the thought of going to Alcoholics Anonymous. But for many who do, it is invaluable, and they have been able to turn their lives around in amazing and beautiful ways. However, some people will always refuse A.A.. And some people, like myself, will attend hundreds of meetings over the years and still not quit drinking through the program.

But for every alcoholic personality there is one thing we all share when it comes to receiving help—and that is timing. The timing of the helper can be extremely important as far as how well the drinker can be “coaxed” into helping themselves.

When a person is feeling fear about their drinking they need hope—during the “morning after” remorse for example. They need to know they are not horrible and doomed even though they may have acted in horrible ways. But they also need to know there is hope for a better life. The problem is how to prove that. You probably can’t just yet, but you can, in that moment of submission, show them great compassion combined with ideas—books, web sites, and (even though I am not a fan of rehab as a long term solution) rehab flyers or websites. Of course, rehab is not a possibility for most addicts, but keep searching. There are also healthy lifestyles that aren’t necessary connected to overcoming addictions but which can be inspiring.

I have not read most of these particular books but they offer some alternatives ideas and stories for overcoming addictions. You can expose your loved one to books and websites of that sort to at least let them know they aren’t alone in their struggle. That can begin a thought process in the mind of the drinker that is necessary for them to choose to change their habits. Above all, you can offer to be there for them to support them in their healing.

Being an alcoholic is a miserable way to live. When I was living that way I did not enjoy the hideous burden, but I did feel limited to it. Those of us who are interested in helping others who suffer in that way need to do everything we can to expose the suffering one to a happier, freer way of living—and then lend a hand to help them get there.