Beyond Rehab

A while back I was asked to write about what finally convinced me I had to quit drinking. Immediately I remembered the horrible alcohol-induced hallucinations I experienced leading up to the morning I finally quit. But then I remembered—that is not what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for good. That horrifying experience is only what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for that day.

I had spent over 20 years abusing my body with substances, so of course I had hit drinking and drugging bottoms before that last one. The last one just took on a different form—albeit one of the most frightening. However, “hitting bottom” or the fear of hitting bottom was not enough to convince me to quit drinking forever—as it is not enough for many. It takes something more.

So what is that extra element that convinced me after that last episode of “hitting bottom” to do more than just heal-up for a few days and return to drinking as I had so often done in the past?

Two things—one was my willingness to finally have the courage to acknowledge that ”little” voice of good judgment I had been ignoring for so much of my life. And two was my willingness to act on that “little” voice’s wisdom.

The wisdom I ignored and eventually, finally, listened to and acted upon was this: My life is a creative one. It is not meant to be about avoiding drugs and alcohol. Life is about what I say yes to, not what I say no to. I am free to find my own way to live the life I dream of, the life I truly desire.

I do not share the opinions and beliefs of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have every right not to be limited by the beliefs of that program or those who support it. However—and this is a BIG however—I am responsible for discovering what I do believe. I am responsible for discovering and acting upon, to the best of my ability, ways to enhance my life and the lives of those I touch. Kindness, compassion and love—with a bit of fun added in as often as possible—is a mantra for all (that is, of course, if you choose to believe in it).

It was a toss-up—should I write about Lindsay Lohan or Kelly Osborne? They are both, along with talk of their substance abuse, in a recent issue of People magazine. Kelly won due to her quotable quotes.

But first let me say this: having fallen into similar habits and rehabs myself at her age and earlier (and later) I feel for her—and Lindsay. I really do feel bad for young people who are not only struggling with addiction but are also having to struggle with the insufficient and very often detrimental treatment they are so often administered. It’s very, very sad for me to see this. But it continues.

Kelly’s quote number one: “This is a disease. I was born with it. I’ll die with it.”

Again, Kelly is a lot like me. There was a time when I was still being coached by therapists, rehabs, and AA-goers who shared that belief—that alcohol dependency is a disease—and who pushed me to believe it as well. Obviously, if you follow my writing, you know I do not accept that alcoholism is a disease. Yes, a person’s body can become dependent, but that is not a disease. And thanks to my refusal to accept that I am diseased, I do not have to spend my life under a false veil, under constant watch and fear, under shame.

Kelly’s quote number two and the reason she is willing to believe alcoholism is a disease: “I just want to be happy. Anything is better than the way it was.”

Kelly is a lot like me. Kelly is a lot like all of us. Wanting to be happy is not a disease. How we attain happiness is a process. True, it is often a misguided process, but being misguided is NOT a disease.

I can play a very simple version of Duke Ellington’s “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore” on guitar. Normally I use that song as a warm up to practice without paying too much attention to the lyrics. But today the lyrics were sinking in. I always assumed the song was about a break up with a girlfriend. But take a look at the lyrics and tell me if the lyrics, written by Bob Russel in 1942, could not be applied to alcohol.

Missed the Saturday dance/Heard they crowded the floor/Couldn’t bear it without you/Don’t get around much anymore. Thought I’d visit the club/Got as far as the door/They’d have asked me about you/Don’t get around much anymore. Been invited on dates/Might have gone but what for/Awfully different without you/Don’t get around much anymore.

Metaphors are common in life. I know many songs, especially old blues songs, needed to use seemingly innocent words—like, “squeeze my lemon, sugar in my bowl”—when they wanted to sing about sex. I’ve also heard that Sufis (mystics) often use the imagery and language of drunkenness to say things about God. The commitment and passion an alcoholic has to drink is an earthly parallel to the commitment and passion the Sufis have to feel God. They would say things like, “I want to get drunk before the sun even rises and then drink all day, savoring every drop of the sweet elixir.”  Sufis are all about experiencing what the heart truly desires, which they understood (in terms of words) to be God—or so I’ve heard.

So if Bob Russel is using the language of love to express feelings for alcohol, and if the Sufis are using the language of alcohol to express feelings for God, then what passionate yearning are we using alcohol to try to express? What is it we really desire? It’s difficult to say what, on a soul-satisfying level, we yearn for because it’s not something that’s easy to decipher. So some of us try to find our explanation in alcohol. But that’s more like throwing a blanket over our faces…we’ll never “see” anything that way. Underneath that frantic surface desire to keep the steady flow of alcohol in our blood is a much deeper desire to feel wonderful—soul-satisfying wonderful. I’m not talking about religion or beliefs. I’m talking about real live soul-satisfying experiencing—a kind of joyful, contented, even blissful feeling.

The bridge of the song, “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore,” kindly suggests we try not to think about what we’re missing: “Oh, Darling I guess my mind’s more at ease/But nevertheless, why stir up memories?” That’s one way to get along. But another way would be to consider opening ourselves up to soul-stimulating feelings—feelings that are in line with “soul-satisfying” experiencing.

How ironic that our soul’s urgency to fulfill our deeper yearnings—which is very often what leads us to drink in the first place—can be the ticket out of drug and alcohol dependency.

A Joke: “A young man and a young woman had been dating for four years, and the young man wanted very much to get married. His girlfriend, however, gave no sign that she was interested in marriage.

Finally, one night, the young man decided to try to get a commitment. After a romantic meal with soft music playing in the background, he said gently, “You know, my love, my greatest desire is to have a wife.”

“That’s fine, honey,” the young woman said. “But I’d like to continue seeing you occasionally.”

So the young woman is afraid of commitments. I shy away from certain commitments too, especially ones that feel restrictive. But I make commitments with ease when I feel they are useful and hopeful and possibly even exciting and great. No problem there.

If I knew the young woman in the joke above and I thought her boyfriend was an awesome match for her, I would give her this advice— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to marriage, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing to discovering how much joy and laughter I can experience with this person. I am committing to discovering what wonderful things the two of us can create together and that will fulfill us both. I am committing to discovering how much LOVE I can grow with this person.”

And if “Jane” were a problem drinker and we both agreed alcohol was a terrible match for her, I would give her the same advice. I would say— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to life without alcohol, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing myself to discover the best me who has been hiding under the veil of alcohol and/or drugs. I am committing myself to discover how much health I can feel in my body. I am committing myself to discover how much joy and LOVE I can find with life.”

Forget the small stuff—commit to the bigger picture. Commit yourself to discovering/uncovering the best of life, the best of you.

One of the reasons it took me so long to quit drinking is because I believed life would be dismal, difficult and depressing without it. That had always been my experience in the past.

The most dismal expectation and belief I had was that I would be doomed to be labeled alcoholic for the rest of my life. That belief began when I was first introduced to A.A. at age 14. In fact, everyone in the recovery community told me that was true. They said I would be an alcoholic for the rest of my life even if I never took another drink.

Today I am convinced that limited belief I first heard at age 14 is part of the reason quitting was always so difficult for me from then on. Under that belief I could either continue on a path of slow suicide-by-alcohol, or I could quit drinking, with my reward being that my name for the rest of my life would be, “Amy—Alcoholic/Drug Addict.”  Ick.

For centuries people believed the earth was flat and for centuries people were afraid to meet the horizon because they believed they would fall of the edge of the earth! If they ever thought to travel, trade, or invite a distant relative over for supper, they had to think again! That false belief affected their entire lives. It limited their possibilities.

If you fear letting go of alcohol or drugs or cigarettes because you believe it will be terrible from beginning to perhaps forever, remember that is a fear based on your belief, not facts. A miserable result does not need to be your experience—unless you believe that is so.

When I decided to quit drinking, I found I needed to go against the beliefs of conventional “wisdom.” I was only able to quit by doing things my way—even though conventional wisdom says “doing things my way” is part of the problem, not the solution. That conventional wisdom turned out to be false (the Earth is not flat!).

Do not limit yourself to rumors and other people’s beliefs—including your own limiting beliefs—about what must be done to quit drinking.

When people feared the earth was flat they were limited. But once they found out that was a false belief, they could sail all around the world, free to explore for the rest of their lives. I can assure you when it comes to quitting alcohol and drugs there are many people who have done so using non-conventional methods. If all that you’ve heard about quitting drinking or drugs depresses you, do not let that be the end of all hope. That is only limited belief based on limited exposure. So much more is possible. You are not doomed to sit in meetings for the rest of your life—if you can believe otherwise.

*Christopher Columbus did not discover the world was round. The ancient Greeks knew the earth was round, though the knowledge was largely forgotten in the Middle Ages.

Okay Dr. Phil. I know you are really trying to help. I can see that in the list you’ve made on your “Overcoming Addictions” page. And yes, I must quote you now. Number one on your list for overcoming addictions is, “Find the courage to determine what you need that you’re not getting.”

Okay. Let’s find that courage. Where should I start? Under the bed perhaps? How about in the bathroom cabinet? Or maybe it’s out back with Rover, the dog.

I find that kind of advice so irritating when it comes from claimed experts in psychology. It really makes me wonder if they have any experience at all in the particular area they are advising on.

Tell the man who kneels beside his bed to pray every morning that it would be beneficial to pray in the evening as well and you’ll have a winner. The habit is there, the change not bewildering. But tell the man who has lost touch with his sense of courage that courage is, in fact, the very thing he needs in order to find out that it’s missing and you will have a loser—provided he’s not listening to what you’re actually saying.

Dr. Phil’s kind of “phase II” addiction advice actually has the potential of having an opposite effect. In this case, decreasing a person’s courage even further when they feel they can’t even do the first step correctly.

To analyze (in par with psychologist in mention) the previously quoted statement, I’m not so sure it takes much courage to “determine what you need that you’re not getting.”  To actually go after what you’ve determined would be the courageous affair in my book. But, regardless, I will address my question. How does a person who is “not getting” what brings him courage so that he is able to quit abusing his body with alcohol or drugs find the courage to find what he is missing in order to restore his courage? (Can you see the contradiction in this airy type of advice?) What would be my advice for finding courage—if, in fact, that were the number one thing a person must do to overcome an addiction?

As with all true emotional healing—there is no instant cure. This is an area that is built upon, nurtured, strengthened, encouraged, and eventually, believed. There are many ways to work on building strength and courage. I’ve located several sites that offer techniques and courage building strategies. Take a look, because actually I do believe it’s true—courage is vital when letting go of addictions.

Conquest of Fear and the Developement of Courage by Brian Tracy (don’t get caught up in the statement, “the root source of fear is childhood conditioning.” While this may be true, it is not the important focus).

How to Build Courage by Cyd Madsen. A great first person tale about how one woman conquered agoraphobia (much in the same way I dealt with my alcohol dependency—with, as she puts it, “anger and determination that I absolutely would not go down to some strange illness that nobody seemed to understand.”

Ten Steps For tapping Into Courage by Robert Knowlton. An imagery exercise.

Brian Beane, Founder of 8th Wonder Enterprises. A very short youtube video with Brian Beane speaking on courage.

I just saw the 2008 version of The Day the Earth Stood Still. The movie involves the assumption that humans do not change until they are on the brink of destruction. That’s interesting. The same phenomenon happens to us “drunks” when we hit bottom.

It is because of that shared “phenomenon” (and several others) that I do not believe people who struggle with alcohol and drugs are diseased. I can see that those who drink and use drugs struggle with a tendency that lives in all human beings. Their struggle may be on a much deeper level, but it is nonetheless a struggle with what is a universal tendency—to resist change.

Many addicts report having “hit bottom” before they were able to grab themselves by the boot straps and turn their lives around. But that is not something that only occurs in the life and mind of an alcoholic or drug addict. That pattern—making necessary change only at the brink of destruction—happens to all sorts of people when they reach a certain level or circumstance that is so displeasing they can’t take it anymore.

On the other hand, there are people who reach the brink of destruction and do not make any changes. They die that way. Hitting bottom is not a magic cure. It often frightens people enough to make life-altering changes, but not every time.

There are also people on the planet who have a slight sense they could live better before they notice any sort of destruction in their life. This person might not be seeing any immediate results from their bad habits but has the determination to make adjustments in the present. They do not need to reach a brink of destruction. The difference between this person and the person who does not make changes and therefore dies is not disease. The difference is that one person is understanding and mastering the universal dynamics of change, the other is not.

While hitting bottom or nearing the brink of destruction has certainly been proven to wake some people up, it can also allow for irreversible damage and it does not always succeed as a method to instigate positive change.

Here is a fact: No matter when a person (or entire planet) decides to change, doing so requires effort. But I’ll tell you one thing in regards to effort and drinking. Drinking every single day, year after year, also requires effort—and a LOT of it. So again I return to my principle of self-care. What would you wish upon your most beloved? Near insurmountable obstacles, or the easier route—change while you still have a choice.

I never call myself an alcoholic—not in the present tense. I am discovering amazing qualities about myself that perhaps I might have discovered at a younger age had I chosen not to drink myself into oblivion every night and year after year. But even then I was much more than alcoholic. I was just mostly too numb and too sick to know it.

Now I have a need to support my growth with positive and uplifting adjectives about myself, and name calling with things such as “alcoholic” or “drunk” are not only unfactual in this moment, but those words bring me down.

I understand that it is useful for many who no longer drink to say they are an alcoholic or a drug addict. It serves as a reminder of where they should not go—even one sip of alcohol or one shot of heroin. That I can really understand. And I can admit that it would not be difficult for me to fall back into my old habit of constant intoxication if I were to allow it. But that’s my point. When I am thriving on the inner strengths and goodness of myself—supported by positive adjectives—I naturally refrain from self-destructive behavior.

So what is my answer when asked, “Do you think you’re an alcoholic?”

My answer is “No.”

And another spin on a well known line from the movie Forrest Gump, “My name’s Amy. People call me Amy.”

I have a fantasy of creating an affordable (even free), Shangri-La type place that includes everything I think would have helped me when I was at my worst—sick with alcoholic hallucinations, shakes and despair. That place may or may not manifest itself. So how would I help a person overcome their addictions if they were living with me now? (And what would go on at my Shangi-La fantasy location?).

My experience is that most seriously heavy drinkers recoil at the thought of going to Alcoholics Anonymous. But for many who do, it is invaluable, and they have been able to turn their lives around in amazing and beautiful ways. However, some people will always refuse A.A.. And some people, like myself, will attend hundreds of meetings over the years and still not quit drinking through the program.

But for every alcoholic personality there is one thing we all share when it comes to receiving help—and that is timing. The timing of the helper can be extremely important as far as how well the drinker can be “coaxed” into helping themselves.

When a person is feeling fear about their drinking they need hope—during the “morning after” remorse for example. They need to know they are not horrible and doomed even though they may have acted in horrible ways. But they also need to know there is hope for a better life. The problem is how to prove that. You probably can’t just yet, but you can, in that moment of submission, show them great compassion combined with ideas—books, web sites, and (even though I am not a fan of rehab as a long term solution) rehab flyers or websites. Of course, rehab is not a possibility for most addicts, but keep searching. There are also healthy lifestyles that aren’t necessary connected to overcoming addictions but which can be inspiring.

I have not read most of these particular books but they offer some alternatives ideas and stories for overcoming addictions. You can expose your loved one to books and websites of that sort to at least let them know they aren’t alone in their struggle. That can begin a thought process in the mind of the drinker that is necessary for them to choose to change their habits. Above all, you can offer to be there for them to support them in their healing.

Being an alcoholic is a miserable way to live. When I was living that way I did not enjoy the hideous burden, but I did feel limited to it. Those of us who are interested in helping others who suffer in that way need to do everything we can to expose the suffering one to a happier, freer way of living—and then lend a hand to help them get there.

An interesting thing happened just hours after I posted my last blog on moderate drinking. I was at a gathering of old friends I was meeting for the first time—friends of friends—so the spirit was celebratory. There was plenty of alcohol and the person going to the store was taking orders for more. “I’ll just do shots so get a bottle of….” “I like Heinekin but Amstel is good too….”

I was listening and thinking, “I wish I could say SKYY Vodka. I loved SKYY Vodka….”

And then began the hour or more of intense and aggravating self-talk so that I would not decide to drink. Not that I would have done it right there, but I could have made the decision then to drink as soon as I got home.

I thought it was interesting that after going on in my last post about the amount of work moderate drinking would be for me, I was confronted with at least an equal amount of work in order that I not drink at all.

The end of the story—and the end of my work that night—was that the husband confided in me that his wife, the hostess of the party, was a full-blown alcoholic. In fact, her last husband had died from an Alcohol related illness.

Wow. So I was having a reasonable reaction given that I was in the company of my old behavior—the excitement of drinking together was the sweet side and the husband dying of an alcoholic related disease was the poisonous side. When I connected all that, my work was done. I easily enjoyed the rest of the party.