Beyond Rehab

It was a toss-up—should I write about Lindsay Lohan or Kelly Osborne? They are both, along with talk of their substance abuse, in a recent issue of People magazine. Kelly won due to her quotable quotes.

But first let me say this: having fallen into similar habits and rehabs myself at her age and earlier (and later) I feel for her—and Lindsay. I really do feel bad for young people who are not only struggling with addiction but are also having to struggle with the insufficient and very often detrimental treatment they are so often administered. It’s very, very sad for me to see this. But it continues.

Kelly’s quote number one: “This is a disease. I was born with it. I’ll die with it.”

Again, Kelly is a lot like me. There was a time when I was still being coached by therapists, rehabs, and AA-goers who shared that belief—that alcohol dependency is a disease—and who pushed me to believe it as well. Obviously, if you follow my writing, you know I do not accept that alcoholism is a disease. Yes, a person’s body can become dependent, but that is not a disease. And thanks to my refusal to accept that I am diseased, I do not have to spend my life under a false veil, under constant watch and fear, under shame.

Kelly’s quote number two and the reason she is willing to believe alcoholism is a disease: “I just want to be happy. Anything is better than the way it was.”

Kelly is a lot like me. Kelly is a lot like all of us. Wanting to be happy is not a disease. How we attain happiness is a process. True, it is often a misguided process, but being misguided is NOT a disease.

I rarely watch the reality show, “Dancing With the Stars,”  but I happened to catch the season premier on Monday night. My favorite moment, however, was not one of a dancer dancing. It was when Ty Murray—a nine-time World Champion rodeo cowboy and Jewel’s husband—made a comment just before going onstage to dance his first dance on live TV (In front of several of his “cowboy buddies” no less).

Ty said, “I’m approaching it (his performance) like bullfighting…you’re never completely ready—it just becomes your turn.”

Well put, Ty! That’s the way it goes with so many things.

Once upon a time I participated in a “therapeutic” exercise that required each of us to climb a 30 foot high telephone pole, stand there on the small, round wooden surface the size of a plate with nothing to hold onto, and “Leap!” We were supposed to try to grab hold of the metal bar swinging out in front of us. If we missed, we fell. Of course we had a safety harness on, but let me tell you…. Number one, I NEVER want to do that again. And two, there came a point when I had to just jump. Waiting all day wasn’t going to make it any easier, and, in fact, every second I delayed my fear increased. I just had to jump.

And so it is with quitting a habit, especially a deeply addictive habit like smoking and drinking. You’re never completely ready to quit, it just becomes your turn. And then you’ve done it! All over, not so bad, good job…la te da, no big deal see? Well, the accomplishment is always HUGE, but the actual leaping part is not  so difficult—once you do it.

A Joke: “A young man and a young woman had been dating for four years, and the young man wanted very much to get married. His girlfriend, however, gave no sign that she was interested in marriage.

Finally, one night, the young man decided to try to get a commitment. After a romantic meal with soft music playing in the background, he said gently, “You know, my love, my greatest desire is to have a wife.”

“That’s fine, honey,” the young woman said. “But I’d like to continue seeing you occasionally.”

So the young woman is afraid of commitments. I shy away from certain commitments too, especially ones that feel restrictive. But I make commitments with ease when I feel they are useful and hopeful and possibly even exciting and great. No problem there.

If I knew the young woman in the joke above and I thought her boyfriend was an awesome match for her, I would give her this advice— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to marriage, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing to discovering how much joy and laughter I can experience with this person. I am committing to discovering what wonderful things the two of us can create together and that will fulfill us both. I am committing to discovering how much LOVE I can grow with this person.”

And if “Jane” were a problem drinker and we both agreed alcohol was a terrible match for her, I would give her the same advice. I would say— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to life without alcohol, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing myself to discover the best me who has been hiding under the veil of alcohol and/or drugs. I am committing myself to discover how much health I can feel in my body. I am committing myself to discover how much joy and LOVE I can find with life.”

Forget the small stuff—commit to the bigger picture. Commit yourself to discovering/uncovering the best of life, the best of you.

I came across an article today, “How to Quit Drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous.” Now bless its little heart for offering us alternatives—keep ‘em coming—but I want to say something about the “booze brain” idea the article talks about.

The article suggests that we objectify our “booze brain.” “Think of it as something separate from yourself, and learn to hear it speaking to you. It will try anything to get you to drink, because it falsely believes that you need to drink to survive. If you are feeling bad, it will tell you to drink to feel better. If you are feeling good, it will tell you to drink to party or celebrate.”

The problem I have with that is—it freaks me out! I don’t want to think there is some alien being in my head who will, “try anything to get me to drink.” Scary….

But—if you think it would help you to objectify your feelings—I have another way of thinking about unhealthy impulses or “booze brain” or “stinkin’ thinkin’” as it’s often put in AA. What I would suggest is that you try thinking about your sudden extreme impulses as emotions. And then think about those emotions as your children rather than some frightening bad creature thing.

Say for example you have a sudden overwhelming desire to get drunk or binge on an entire batch of cookies. You can treat that overwhelming desire with the same kindness and attention you would give to your child if they were begging you to eat only cookies for dinner. You can laugh or smile and say to that overly strong child/emotion impulse, “No, we’re not going to drink a case of beer or eat all those cookies. Sorry.” You would not destroy, hate or fear the child if the child/emotion persists. You remind yourself that you are the adult and you are in control. Change the subject, ignore the nagging and eventually the overpowering feelings will cease pestering you—until the next time, where you will practice again the same technique until it becomes natural and easy not to give into desires you know are not good for you. It really does get easier and easier to be good to yourself.

I like Dr. Sklare. Dr Sklare is a psychologist and life coach who posts “Daily Inspirations” on Lifescripts.com. I like to read his posts every once in a while the way I like to watch ”I Love Lucy” reruns…when I need to escape to a simpler time, a simpler place—another reality.

Today I read his post, “The Pursuit of Happiness” where the nice doctor (really, he is so nice—and he plays guitar too) is inspired by the following sentence from the Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” In his post, Dr Sklare writes about the word “pursuit.” He says the word indicates an “active, dedicated and mindful search.” He asks us to ask ourselves, “What do you actively do each day that contributes to the pursuit of happiness in your life? Are you mindful and purposeful as you pursue happiness, or do you rarely give it a second thought?”

That sounds like a really nice suggestion. But what I would like to ask is, “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO WAKE UP AND WONDER WHAT THE *&#@! ARE WE DOING SO WRONG THAT MAKES US NEED TO PURSUE HAPPINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

Addicts are not born into an easy world—no one is. Yes, addicts stand out. But what about the rest of society, the people who don’t stand out? I see an awful lot of unhappy people who aren’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. Isn’t that what we should be asking about? Shouldn’t we be wondering why there are so many people who are depressed—not just addicts.

Einstein once said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” It seems to me that if “We the People” could raise our level of consciousness we would see what is responsible for unhappiness. We would not frantically “pursue happiness” much the way an addict “pursues” their drug. We would begin the difficult but magnificently gratifying steps of creating a healthier world so that happiness is a natural result, not one we must individually pursue.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” Bernard Meltzer

A person who is addicted to alcohol does not need any help in accusing themselves of behaving badly. They are almost certainly doing a better job of that than any outsider ever could—they just don’t show it.

A person who is addicted to alcohol may walk around in an intoxicated state appearing to be strong, angry or proud—but that is rarely the truth of how they feel.

The truth is that, when not intoxicated, a person who is addicted to alcohol is usually experiencing deep despair. They are experiencing a lack of joy. They are almost certainly experiencing fear—often unconsciously and intensified by the mentally distorting effects of alcohol. There is usually a diminished sense of purpose or meaning. It is to save themselves from those dismal and discouraging conditions that a person will persist in drinking—not because they are disobedient to good intentions.

There are many things going on with the thoughts, feelings and emotions of an alcoholic. Bliss is not one of them.

So what can a person who cares for an addicted drinker do to help them out of their pain, fear and misery?

Most people who constantly indulge in alcohol and its intoxicating effects have great emotional sensitivities. If you approach such a person with compassion and your willingness to understand, you will have a much better chance of reaching them than if you take a “tough” and uncompromising attitude, even to the point of refusing to attempt to understand their struggles.

A person caught up in the throes of alcohol needs help in finding more joy in life, more ways of communicating and healing fears, and more ways to stir up feelings of purpose and meaning. You can even say to the drinker, “Please, can you help me understand how to help you right now?”

What you can hope for is that instead of trying to bring joy through the use of alcohol, your loved one will find the strength, inspiration, and courage to work to heal themselves.

The drinker knows their behavior is negative. In fact, they almost always feel they are bad for it. What the drinker doesn’t know is that they are beautiful.

Okay Dr. Phil. I know you are really trying to help. I can see that in the list you’ve made on your “Overcoming Addictions” page. And yes, I must quote you now. Number one on your list for overcoming addictions is, “Find the courage to determine what you need that you’re not getting.”

Okay. Let’s find that courage. Where should I start? Under the bed perhaps? How about in the bathroom cabinet? Or maybe it’s out back with Rover, the dog.

I find that kind of advice so irritating when it comes from claimed experts in psychology. It really makes me wonder if they have any experience at all in the particular area they are advising on.

Tell the man who kneels beside his bed to pray every morning that it would be beneficial to pray in the evening as well and you’ll have a winner. The habit is there, the change not bewildering. But tell the man who has lost touch with his sense of courage that courage is, in fact, the very thing he needs in order to find out that it’s missing and you will have a loser—provided he’s not listening to what you’re actually saying.

Dr. Phil’s kind of “phase II” addiction advice actually has the potential of having an opposite effect. In this case, decreasing a person’s courage even further when they feel they can’t even do the first step correctly.

To analyze (in par with psychologist in mention) the previously quoted statement, I’m not so sure it takes much courage to “determine what you need that you’re not getting.”  To actually go after what you’ve determined would be the courageous affair in my book. But, regardless, I will address my question. How does a person who is “not getting” what brings him courage so that he is able to quit abusing his body with alcohol or drugs find the courage to find what he is missing in order to restore his courage? (Can you see the contradiction in this airy type of advice?) What would be my advice for finding courage—if, in fact, that were the number one thing a person must do to overcome an addiction?

As with all true emotional healing—there is no instant cure. This is an area that is built upon, nurtured, strengthened, encouraged, and eventually, believed. There are many ways to work on building strength and courage. I’ve located several sites that offer techniques and courage building strategies. Take a look, because actually I do believe it’s true—courage is vital when letting go of addictions.

Conquest of Fear and the Developement of Courage by Brian Tracy (don’t get caught up in the statement, “the root source of fear is childhood conditioning.” While this may be true, it is not the important focus).

How to Build Courage by Cyd Madsen. A great first person tale about how one woman conquered agoraphobia (much in the same way I dealt with my alcohol dependency—with, as she puts it, “anger and determination that I absolutely would not go down to some strange illness that nobody seemed to understand.”

Ten Steps For tapping Into Courage by Robert Knowlton. An imagery exercise.

Brian Beane, Founder of 8th Wonder Enterprises. A very short youtube video with Brian Beane speaking on courage.