Beyond Rehab

As I approach the passing of yet another calendar year free of alcohol and all the pains that accompanied its consumption, I am beginning to explore—as only an alert, lucid, toxin free mind can do—the feelings of self-acceptance. Quite grand, I must say, because with the understanding of self-acceptance, there comes a feeling of great relief.

Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem or self-confidence. Self-acceptance means trusting in one’s ideas and impulses, in our true-self—that core sweetness of each of us that allowed for us as children to create freely, confidently, without fear.

So with that in mind, I have a few updates…. My book is still on the way. If I do not secure a proper agent*/publisher within my self-imposed deadline I will be self-publishing. The book is valuable and I sincerely wish it to be available for anyone it might help. So hang on for that, it’s around the corner sometime soon.

The next thing is that I am back in school and because I have been so heavily involved with that, I have not been posting here as frequently as in the past. But I’m still around and still receive emails from this blog if you would like to comment.

The last thing to note is that as I have been discovering the structural value of experiencing genuine self-acceptance, I have been noticing examples of self-acceptance appearing in ways that expand my understanding of it.  For example, the other night I was sitting with a singer who had been seriously struggling with his voice for years now. But suddenly, as he plugged in his guitar, switched on his amp, and launched into the most devoted love song, which just happened to be addressed to me, I was amazed to hear him give his best performance ever. How was it that in the blink of an eye he could improve so dramatically? I happen to know  in that moment he had settled into such a state of self-acceptance that he was able to express himself without fear of judgment.  He was comfortable trusting himself to express his love in song. In that moment he had attained self-acceptance—permission to trust the ideas and impulses of his true-self.

For any of you who still struggle with your addictions, continue, as always, to seek hope. But today I am adding something more to that. I am asking you to remember this: remember self-acceptance, remember your core sweetness, remember your true-self. Your true-self thrives on gentle care, love, and being heard—not drugs, alcohol, shame or fear. That you have awareness and feelings of love is what your true-self desires for you most.

*Update: I’ve acquired an agent,12/09 ~ publishing up next.

A while back I was asked to write about what finally convinced me I had to quit drinking. Immediately I remembered the horrible alcohol-induced hallucinations I experienced leading up to the morning I finally quit. But then I remembered—that is not what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for good. That horrifying experience is only what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for that day.

I had spent over 20 years abusing my body with substances, so of course I had hit drinking and drugging bottoms before that last one. The last one just took on a different form—albeit one of the most frightening. However, “hitting bottom” or the fear of hitting bottom was not enough to convince me to quit drinking forever—as it is not enough for many. It takes something more.

So what is that extra element that convinced me after that last episode of “hitting bottom” to do more than just heal-up for a few days and return to drinking as I had so often done in the past?

Two things—one was my willingness to finally have the courage to acknowledge that ”little” voice of good judgment I had been ignoring for so much of my life. And two was my willingness to act on that “little” voice’s wisdom.

The wisdom I ignored and eventually, finally, listened to and acted upon was this: My life is a creative one. It is not meant to be about avoiding drugs and alcohol. Life is about what I say yes to, not what I say no to. I am free to find my own way to live the life I dream of, the life I truly desire.

I do not share the opinions and beliefs of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have every right not to be limited by the beliefs of that program or those who support it. However—and this is a BIG however—I am responsible for discovering what I do believe. I am responsible for discovering and acting upon, to the best of my ability, ways to enhance my life and the lives of those I touch. Kindness, compassion and love—with a bit of fun added in as often as possible—is a mantra for all (that is, of course, if you choose to believe in it).

I rarely watch the reality show, “Dancing With the Stars,”  but I happened to catch the season premier on Monday night. My favorite moment, however, was not one of a dancer dancing. It was when Ty Murray—a nine-time World Champion rodeo cowboy and Jewel’s husband—made a comment just before going onstage to dance his first dance on live TV (In front of several of his “cowboy buddies” no less).

Ty said, “I’m approaching it (his performance) like bullfighting…you’re never completely ready—it just becomes your turn.”

Well put, Ty! That’s the way it goes with so many things.

Once upon a time I participated in a “therapeutic” exercise that required each of us to climb a 30 foot high telephone pole, stand there on the small, round wooden surface the size of a plate with nothing to hold onto, and “Leap!” We were supposed to try to grab hold of the metal bar swinging out in front of us. If we missed, we fell. Of course we had a safety harness on, but let me tell you…. Number one, I NEVER want to do that again. And two, there came a point when I had to just jump. Waiting all day wasn’t going to make it any easier, and, in fact, every second I delayed my fear increased. I just had to jump.

And so it is with quitting a habit, especially a deeply addictive habit like smoking and drinking. You’re never completely ready to quit, it just becomes your turn. And then you’ve done it! All over, not so bad, good job…la te da, no big deal see? Well, the accomplishment is always HUGE, but the actual leaping part is not  so difficult—once you do it.

I came across an article today, “How to Quit Drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous.” Now bless its little heart for offering us alternatives—keep ‘em coming—but I want to say something about the “booze brain” idea the article talks about.

The article suggests that we objectify our “booze brain.” “Think of it as something separate from yourself, and learn to hear it speaking to you. It will try anything to get you to drink, because it falsely believes that you need to drink to survive. If you are feeling bad, it will tell you to drink to feel better. If you are feeling good, it will tell you to drink to party or celebrate.”

The problem I have with that is—it freaks me out! I don’t want to think there is some alien being in my head who will, “try anything to get me to drink.” Scary….

But—if you think it would help you to objectify your feelings—I have another way of thinking about unhealthy impulses or “booze brain” or “stinkin’ thinkin’” as it’s often put in AA. What I would suggest is that you try thinking about your sudden extreme impulses as emotions. And then think about those emotions as your children rather than some frightening bad creature thing.

Say for example you have a sudden overwhelming desire to get drunk or binge on an entire batch of cookies. You can treat that overwhelming desire with the same kindness and attention you would give to your child if they were begging you to eat only cookies for dinner. You can laugh or smile and say to that overly strong child/emotion impulse, “No, we’re not going to drink a case of beer or eat all those cookies. Sorry.” You would not destroy, hate or fear the child if the child/emotion persists. You remind yourself that you are the adult and you are in control. Change the subject, ignore the nagging and eventually the overpowering feelings will cease pestering you—until the next time, where you will practice again the same technique until it becomes natural and easy not to give into desires you know are not good for you. It really does get easier and easier to be good to yourself.

I like Dr. Sklare. Dr Sklare is a psychologist and life coach who posts “Daily Inspirations” on Lifescripts.com. I like to read his posts every once in a while the way I like to watch ”I Love Lucy” reruns…when I need to escape to a simpler time, a simpler place—another reality.

Today I read his post, “The Pursuit of Happiness” where the nice doctor (really, he is so nice—and he plays guitar too) is inspired by the following sentence from the Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” In his post, Dr Sklare writes about the word “pursuit.” He says the word indicates an “active, dedicated and mindful search.” He asks us to ask ourselves, “What do you actively do each day that contributes to the pursuit of happiness in your life? Are you mindful and purposeful as you pursue happiness, or do you rarely give it a second thought?”

That sounds like a really nice suggestion. But what I would like to ask is, “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO WAKE UP AND WONDER WHAT THE *&#@! ARE WE DOING SO WRONG THAT MAKES US NEED TO PURSUE HAPPINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE?”

Addicts are not born into an easy world—no one is. Yes, addicts stand out. But what about the rest of society, the people who don’t stand out? I see an awful lot of unhappy people who aren’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. Isn’t that what we should be asking about? Shouldn’t we be wondering why there are so many people who are depressed—not just addicts.

Einstein once said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” It seems to me that if “We the People” could raise our level of consciousness we would see what is responsible for unhappiness. We would not frantically “pursue happiness” much the way an addict “pursues” their drug. We would begin the difficult but magnificently gratifying steps of creating a healthier world so that happiness is a natural result, not one we must individually pursue.

I’ve been slowly making my way through each episode of the reality show, “KITCHEN NIGHTMARES,” starring the internationally renowned chef, Gordon Ramsay. On the show Chef Ramsay goes on a mission to rescue a restaurant in crisis. He shows up at a preselected restaurant and whips everyone into shape by yelling and cursing at them. How he really helps them is with his expert knowledge and skill. Also, his crew spends time and money giving each restaurant a make-over.

Though yelling at people wouldn’t be my way, I very much like the idea of someone coming in to help a person when they are in such despair. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a Chef Ramsay for everyone in crisis—whether emotional, physical, or economic. In drug and alcohol intervention plans, “rescue” is the goal. However, from what I’ve seen, its rarely achieved. That plan needs work.

We all need help sometimes, but some of us have been absolutely desperate for it. And when that happens it is a crisis. It’s disturbing to learn when someone in such despair and who could have been saved has died. If only someone had been willing to carry them, just for a little while, until they could begin to see and do for themselves again.

Very often a change of circumstances  and absolute support can make all the difference in the life—or death—of an addict. That is why it’s tragic when no one moves to assist. And why don’t we? It could be the very existence of that destitute person is precisely the reason we do not do everything that is needed to help them. I’m guessing that most of us are afraid if we were to fully embrace a person in need, not only could it send us into the throes of poverty and despair ourselves, but we would also be forced to acknowledge that, apart from our own personal charity, society is not set up to truly care for those in need. Helping the person in every way possible means we understand there is no “Chef Ramsay” to save us if we fall into crisis ourselves. So often it is easier to lay all responsibility on the addict.

Our world and each society in it has a long way to go. But there is one thing I’ve learned through all my struggles, defeats, accomplishments, and successes—having a long way to go is NEVER a reason not to persevere.

One of the reasons it took me so long to quit drinking is because I believed life would be dismal, difficult and depressing without it. That had always been my experience in the past.

The most dismal expectation and belief I had was that I would be doomed to be labeled alcoholic for the rest of my life. That belief began when I was first introduced to A.A. at age 14. In fact, everyone in the recovery community told me that was true. They said I would be an alcoholic for the rest of my life even if I never took another drink.

Today I am convinced that limited belief I first heard at age 14 is part of the reason quitting was always so difficult for me from then on. Under that belief I could either continue on a path of slow suicide-by-alcohol, or I could quit drinking, with my reward being that my name for the rest of my life would be, “Amy—Alcoholic/Drug Addict.”  Ick.

For centuries people believed the earth was flat and for centuries people were afraid to meet the horizon because they believed they would fall of the edge of the earth! If they ever thought to travel, trade, or invite a distant relative over for supper, they had to think again! That false belief affected their entire lives. It limited their possibilities.

If you fear letting go of alcohol or drugs or cigarettes because you believe it will be terrible from beginning to perhaps forever, remember that is a fear based on your belief, not facts. A miserable result does not need to be your experience—unless you believe that is so.

When I decided to quit drinking, I found I needed to go against the beliefs of conventional “wisdom.” I was only able to quit by doing things my way—even though conventional wisdom says “doing things my way” is part of the problem, not the solution. That conventional wisdom turned out to be false (the Earth is not flat!).

Do not limit yourself to rumors and other people’s beliefs—including your own limiting beliefs—about what must be done to quit drinking.

When people feared the earth was flat they were limited. But once they found out that was a false belief, they could sail all around the world, free to explore for the rest of their lives. I can assure you when it comes to quitting alcohol and drugs there are many people who have done so using non-conventional methods. If all that you’ve heard about quitting drinking or drugs depresses you, do not let that be the end of all hope. That is only limited belief based on limited exposure. So much more is possible. You are not doomed to sit in meetings for the rest of your life—if you can believe otherwise.

*Christopher Columbus did not discover the world was round. The ancient Greeks knew the earth was round, though the knowledge was largely forgotten in the Middle Ages.

Many people believe an addict is born that way. I am not one of those people. I think most people, particularly those in developed countries, are born into complications of family which then reflects into society, and vice versa. I believe most addicts, particularly those who struggle with alcohol and food, are extremely sensitive to their own suffering as well as to the suffering of the world around them. The difference between the sensitive addict person and the sensitive non-addict person is that somewhere along the line the sensitive non-addict person learned how to handle their painful feelings and emotions in a functional manner and the sensitive addict person has not.

I’ve learned that the healthiest way to handle painful feelings and emotions is to discover for oneself that horrible feelings really are temporary. Even the worst feeling in the world lessens over time.

The irony is that we use substances—alcohol, food, drugs—to stuff temporary feelings into temporary submission. Suppressing feelings has never been a successful technique when it comes to healing fears and painful emotions. The way to heal fears of painful emotions has more to do with entering into those feelings than with suppressing them. The idea is to enter into the fear, feel it fully (for 5  minutes or so), and then to gently remind yourself that it’s just a feeling, it can’t hurt you, and it will pass.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” Bernard Meltzer

A person who is addicted to alcohol does not need any help in accusing themselves of behaving badly. They are almost certainly doing a better job of that than any outsider ever could—they just don’t show it.

A person who is addicted to alcohol may walk around in an intoxicated state appearing to be strong, angry or proud—but that is rarely the truth of how they feel.

The truth is that, when not intoxicated, a person who is addicted to alcohol is usually experiencing deep despair. They are experiencing a lack of joy. They are almost certainly experiencing fear—often unconsciously and intensified by the mentally distorting effects of alcohol. There is usually a diminished sense of purpose or meaning. It is to save themselves from those dismal and discouraging conditions that a person will persist in drinking—not because they are disobedient to good intentions.

There are many things going on with the thoughts, feelings and emotions of an alcoholic. Bliss is not one of them.

So what can a person who cares for an addicted drinker do to help them out of their pain, fear and misery?

Most people who constantly indulge in alcohol and its intoxicating effects have great emotional sensitivities. If you approach such a person with compassion and your willingness to understand, you will have a much better chance of reaching them than if you take a “tough” and uncompromising attitude, even to the point of refusing to attempt to understand their struggles.

A person caught up in the throes of alcohol needs help in finding more joy in life, more ways of communicating and healing fears, and more ways to stir up feelings of purpose and meaning. You can even say to the drinker, “Please, can you help me understand how to help you right now?”

What you can hope for is that instead of trying to bring joy through the use of alcohol, your loved one will find the strength, inspiration, and courage to work to heal themselves.

The drinker knows their behavior is negative. In fact, they almost always feel they are bad for it. What the drinker doesn’t know is that they are beautiful.