Beyond Rehab

As I approach the passing of yet another calendar year free of alcohol and all the pains that accompanied its consumption, I am beginning to explore—as only an alert, lucid, toxin free mind can do—the feelings of self-acceptance. Quite grand, I must say, because with the understanding of self-acceptance, there comes a feeling of great relief.

Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem or self-confidence. Self-acceptance means trusting in one’s ideas and impulses, in our true-self—that core sweetness of each of us that allowed for us as children to create freely, confidently, without fear.

So with that in mind, I have a few updates…. My book is still on the way. If I do not secure a proper agent*/publisher within my self-imposed deadline I will be self-publishing. The book is valuable and I sincerely wish it to be available for anyone it might help. So hang on for that, it’s around the corner sometime soon.

The next thing is that I am back in school and because I have been so heavily involved with that, I have not been posting here as frequently as in the past. But I’m still around and still receive emails from this blog if you would like to comment.

The last thing to note is that as I have been discovering the structural value of experiencing genuine self-acceptance, I have been noticing examples of self-acceptance appearing in ways that expand my understanding of it.  For example, the other night I was sitting with a singer who had been seriously struggling with his voice for years now. But suddenly, as he plugged in his guitar, switched on his amp, and launched into the most devoted love song, which just happened to be addressed to me, I was amazed to hear him give his best performance ever. How was it that in the blink of an eye he could improve so dramatically? I happen to know  in that moment he had settled into such a state of self-acceptance that he was able to express himself without fear of judgment.  He was comfortable trusting himself to express his love in song. In that moment he had attained self-acceptance—permission to trust the ideas and impulses of his true-self.

For any of you who still struggle with your addictions, continue, as always, to seek hope. But today I am adding something more to that. I am asking you to remember this: remember self-acceptance, remember your core sweetness, remember your true-self. Your true-self thrives on gentle care, love, and being heard—not drugs, alcohol, shame or fear. That you have awareness and feelings of love is what your true-self desires for you most.

*Update: I’ve acquired an agent,12/09 ~ publishing up next.

I rarely watch the reality show, “Dancing With the Stars,”  but I happened to catch the season premier on Monday night. My favorite moment, however, was not one of a dancer dancing. It was when Ty Murray—a nine-time World Champion rodeo cowboy and Jewel’s husband—made a comment just before going onstage to dance his first dance on live TV (In front of several of his “cowboy buddies” no less).

Ty said, “I’m approaching it (his performance) like bullfighting…you’re never completely ready—it just becomes your turn.”

Well put, Ty! That’s the way it goes with so many things.

Once upon a time I participated in a “therapeutic” exercise that required each of us to climb a 30 foot high telephone pole, stand there on the small, round wooden surface the size of a plate with nothing to hold onto, and “Leap!” We were supposed to try to grab hold of the metal bar swinging out in front of us. If we missed, we fell. Of course we had a safety harness on, but let me tell you…. Number one, I NEVER want to do that again. And two, there came a point when I had to just jump. Waiting all day wasn’t going to make it any easier, and, in fact, every second I delayed my fear increased. I just had to jump.

And so it is with quitting a habit, especially a deeply addictive habit like smoking and drinking. You’re never completely ready to quit, it just becomes your turn. And then you’ve done it! All over, not so bad, good job…la te da, no big deal see? Well, the accomplishment is always HUGE, but the actual leaping part is not  so difficult—once you do it.

A Joke: “A young man and a young woman had been dating for four years, and the young man wanted very much to get married. His girlfriend, however, gave no sign that she was interested in marriage.

Finally, one night, the young man decided to try to get a commitment. After a romantic meal with soft music playing in the background, he said gently, “You know, my love, my greatest desire is to have a wife.”

“That’s fine, honey,” the young woman said. “But I’d like to continue seeing you occasionally.”

So the young woman is afraid of commitments. I shy away from certain commitments too, especially ones that feel restrictive. But I make commitments with ease when I feel they are useful and hopeful and possibly even exciting and great. No problem there.

If I knew the young woman in the joke above and I thought her boyfriend was an awesome match for her, I would give her this advice— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to marriage, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing to discovering how much joy and laughter I can experience with this person. I am committing to discovering what wonderful things the two of us can create together and that will fulfill us both. I am committing to discovering how much LOVE I can grow with this person.”

And if “Jane” were a problem drinker and we both agreed alcohol was a terrible match for her, I would give her the same advice. I would say— “Jane,” when you feel afraid of committing to life without alcohol, try this: say to yourself, “I am committing myself to discover the best me who has been hiding under the veil of alcohol and/or drugs. I am committing myself to discover how much health I can feel in my body. I am committing myself to discover how much joy and LOVE I can find with life.”

Forget the small stuff—commit to the bigger picture. Commit yourself to discovering/uncovering the best of life, the best of you.

Many people believe an addict is born that way. I am not one of those people. I think most people, particularly those in developed countries, are born into complications of family which then reflects into society, and vice versa. I believe most addicts, particularly those who struggle with alcohol and food, are extremely sensitive to their own suffering as well as to the suffering of the world around them. The difference between the sensitive addict person and the sensitive non-addict person is that somewhere along the line the sensitive non-addict person learned how to handle their painful feelings and emotions in a functional manner and the sensitive addict person has not.

I’ve learned that the healthiest way to handle painful feelings and emotions is to discover for oneself that horrible feelings really are temporary. Even the worst feeling in the world lessens over time.

The irony is that we use substances—alcohol, food, drugs—to stuff temporary feelings into temporary submission. Suppressing feelings has never been a successful technique when it comes to healing fears and painful emotions. The way to heal fears of painful emotions has more to do with entering into those feelings than with suppressing them. The idea is to enter into the fear, feel it fully (for 5  minutes or so), and then to gently remind yourself that it’s just a feeling, it can’t hurt you, and it will pass.