Beyond Rehab

As I approach the passing of yet another calendar year free of alcohol and all the pains that accompanied its consumption, I am beginning to explore—as only an alert, lucid, toxin free mind can do—the feelings of self-acceptance. Quite grand, I must say, because with the understanding of self-acceptance, there comes a feeling of great relief.

Self-acceptance is different from self-esteem or self-confidence. Self-acceptance means trusting in one’s ideas and impulses, in our true-self—that core sweetness of each of us that allowed for us as children to create freely, confidently, without fear.

So with that in mind, I have a few updates…. My book is still on the way. If I do not secure a proper agent*/publisher within my self-imposed deadline I will be self-publishing. The book is valuable and I sincerely wish it to be available for anyone it might help. So hang on for that, it’s around the corner sometime soon.

The next thing is that I am back in school and because I have been so heavily involved with that, I have not been posting here as frequently as in the past. But I’m still around and still receive emails from this blog if you would like to comment.

The last thing to note is that as I have been discovering the structural value of experiencing genuine self-acceptance, I have been noticing examples of self-acceptance appearing in ways that expand my understanding of it.  For example, the other night I was sitting with a singer who had been seriously struggling with his voice for years now. But suddenly, as he plugged in his guitar, switched on his amp, and launched into the most devoted love song, which just happened to be addressed to me, I was amazed to hear him give his best performance ever. How was it that in the blink of an eye he could improve so dramatically? I happen to know  in that moment he had settled into such a state of self-acceptance that he was able to express himself without fear of judgment.  He was comfortable trusting himself to express his love in song. In that moment he had attained self-acceptance—permission to trust the ideas and impulses of his true-self.

For any of you who still struggle with your addictions, continue, as always, to seek hope. But today I am adding something more to that. I am asking you to remember this: remember self-acceptance, remember your core sweetness, remember your true-self. Your true-self thrives on gentle care, love, and being heard—not drugs, alcohol, shame or fear. That you have awareness and feelings of love is what your true-self desires for you most.

*Update: I’ve acquired an agent,12/09 ~ publishing up next.

A while back I was asked to write about what finally convinced me I had to quit drinking. Immediately I remembered the horrible alcohol-induced hallucinations I experienced leading up to the morning I finally quit. But then I remembered—that is not what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for good. That horrifying experience is only what convinced me I needed to quit drinking for that day.

I had spent over 20 years abusing my body with substances, so of course I had hit drinking and drugging bottoms before that last one. The last one just took on a different form—albeit one of the most frightening. However, “hitting bottom” or the fear of hitting bottom was not enough to convince me to quit drinking forever—as it is not enough for many. It takes something more.

So what is that extra element that convinced me after that last episode of “hitting bottom” to do more than just heal-up for a few days and return to drinking as I had so often done in the past?

Two things—one was my willingness to finally have the courage to acknowledge that ”little” voice of good judgment I had been ignoring for so much of my life. And two was my willingness to act on that “little” voice’s wisdom.

The wisdom I ignored and eventually, finally, listened to and acted upon was this: My life is a creative one. It is not meant to be about avoiding drugs and alcohol. Life is about what I say yes to, not what I say no to. I am free to find my own way to live the life I dream of, the life I truly desire.

I do not share the opinions and beliefs of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have every right not to be limited by the beliefs of that program or those who support it. However—and this is a BIG however—I am responsible for discovering what I do believe. I am responsible for discovering and acting upon, to the best of my ability, ways to enhance my life and the lives of those I touch. Kindness, compassion and love—with a bit of fun added in as often as possible—is a mantra for all (that is, of course, if you choose to believe in it).

One of the reasons it took me so long to quit drinking is because I believed life would be dismal, difficult and depressing without it. That had always been my experience in the past.

The most dismal expectation and belief I had was that I would be doomed to be labeled alcoholic for the rest of my life. That belief began when I was first introduced to A.A. at age 14. In fact, everyone in the recovery community told me that was true. They said I would be an alcoholic for the rest of my life even if I never took another drink.

Today I am convinced that limited belief I first heard at age 14 is part of the reason quitting was always so difficult for me from then on. Under that belief I could either continue on a path of slow suicide-by-alcohol, or I could quit drinking, with my reward being that my name for the rest of my life would be, “Amy—Alcoholic/Drug Addict.”  Ick.

For centuries people believed the earth was flat and for centuries people were afraid to meet the horizon because they believed they would fall of the edge of the earth! If they ever thought to travel, trade, or invite a distant relative over for supper, they had to think again! That false belief affected their entire lives. It limited their possibilities.

If you fear letting go of alcohol or drugs or cigarettes because you believe it will be terrible from beginning to perhaps forever, remember that is a fear based on your belief, not facts. A miserable result does not need to be your experience—unless you believe that is so.

When I decided to quit drinking, I found I needed to go against the beliefs of conventional “wisdom.” I was only able to quit by doing things my way—even though conventional wisdom says “doing things my way” is part of the problem, not the solution. That conventional wisdom turned out to be false (the Earth is not flat!).

Do not limit yourself to rumors and other people’s beliefs—including your own limiting beliefs—about what must be done to quit drinking.

When people feared the earth was flat they were limited. But once they found out that was a false belief, they could sail all around the world, free to explore for the rest of their lives. I can assure you when it comes to quitting alcohol and drugs there are many people who have done so using non-conventional methods. If all that you’ve heard about quitting drinking or drugs depresses you, do not let that be the end of all hope. That is only limited belief based on limited exposure. So much more is possible. You are not doomed to sit in meetings for the rest of your life—if you can believe otherwise.

*Christopher Columbus did not discover the world was round. The ancient Greeks knew the earth was round, though the knowledge was largely forgotten in the Middle Ages.